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After lunch today, I went to my apartment to get some paperwork I needed and then on to the bank to get a cashier's check for tomorrow morning's closing on my new house. These transactions were unavoidable, but after a work day filled with countless interruptions, I wasn't looking forward to the crosstown traffic. Driving back to work on Wyoming, one of my tires went flat near Spain. This wasn't what I needed while in a hurry to get back to work, but
lucky for you, it inspired me to pound out a few paragraphs of rant chronicling a small part of my day.

Albuquerque driving, especially on Wyoming boulevard, makes me crazy. How can Wyoming be filled past capacity on a Tuesday at 2:00 PM? Aren't most people at work this time of day? Hints to those who design our roadways:

1. This may be an indication that your shit isn't big enough.
2. You might want to make it bigger.

After waiting at stoplights multiple times for up to a minute after the light turned green for any kind of forward motion and then watching jackass after jackass fail to use their turning signal, I was already spinning with road rage, when my "please fill up your gas tank now" buzzer sounded off:

EENNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. PLEASE REFUEL.

I really didn't need the clamoring of a buzzer right then. It screwed up the cool jazz (not to be confused with the crap smooth jazz they play all over the radio) that I was keeping me level. Suddenly, my rage was brought into focus. As the low-fuel alarm sounded and I waited in traffic, I glanced to the west and saw a gas station just out of my reach. If I was given four feet, maybe three, I could turn into this strangely convenient gas station, fill my tank, silence the buzzing, and get back on task. As you might imagine, I was very eager to make that turn and get the fueling done. I waited, raged, and finally, the light turned green, only to have me waiting twenty seconds more for the first guy in line to recognize that the light had changed. Thirty seconds later, the diesel pickup directly in front of me started to inch forward... s l o w l y.

Come the flip on. I only need four feet. MOVE IT!

I was so desperate for that turn and the gas station it lead to. I needed it, when at long last, the trunk blocking my way made two feet's progress. Still wound like a guitar string, I surveyed the scene, did the kind of pattern matching that our brains do so exceedingly well, and came to the conclusion that two feet was all I really needed to make the turn. Trusting that all the variables had been accounted for and my analysis was correct, I executed two or three vigorous expletives, signaled my turn, and went for it...

FRICK!, FLAP!.... FALLOOUMP

"FALLOOUMP" was something like the noise I heard, when I went over the curb that shouldn't have been there. There was a crunch, metal on concrete, and a rushing of air. Damn I thought; I just crunched my tire. When I pulled into the pump and verified that what I feared had actually transpired, I made a few more exclamations. My tire was indeed flat.

I paniced initially. All the stuff I needed to change the tire was in the trunk, but I'd never actually changed a tire. What would I do? How long would it take? I was scared I couldn't get it done.

After a more than a few minutes of contemplation, I decided to kick it grease monkey style. I still have the grease under my fingernails to prove it. All told, changing out the flat for a spare had me back on Wyoming in under a half hour. It took me ten minutes to figure out how the Volkswagen supplied jack worked. The rest was easy.

This tire change may seem like a minor feat to some, but it was significant to me. Perhaps it'll impress my brother? How can I have driven for around 15 years and never have changed a tire before today?

I'll close this evening by offering the following observations:

• Try stuff that scares you. You'll might just get it done.
• There's a little thing called a turning signal. Ever hear of it? You might want to start using it!
• What's up with people not using their turning signals? Didn't they take drivers education classes? Perhaps there's too much stuff going on in the cab of their Hummer H2 command center for them to give me the courtesy of a signal? Perhaps with your cigarettes, makeup application, cup cakes, coffee, radios, and cellphones, you don't have enough attention left over to do what is required of every driver, when they turn: SIGNAL!! I use my turning signal all the time. I use it in empty parking lots. I use it when I abrubtly run over curbs. You should too.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 25th, 02004 at 11:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.